Aug. 30th, 2015

prgrmr: (lionize)
Yeah, ok, so this writing thing is harder than I think. Every. Single. Time.

Consistenly underestimating stuff achivement unlocked!

And with that....  I have been both insanely busy and seriously lost.  I want so very much to blame it on having to travel for work, but 1), it's Florida, and 2) it was only a week and even though getting back on track has been hit-and-miss, that doesn't explain what was happening before.    Which was I was either going to or recovering from travel to Ohio to see my folks.  And since, I've beend doing stuff with my kids again; and even if the pretext was school shopping, it's still nice.

Going to Ohio really took a lot out of me, physically and emotionally, especially the first trip, because I went alone, because it was the first time I'd seen my parents in over a year, and because it was the first time I'd seen my Dad truly limited by his Parkinson's and I was not ready for it,  I was not at all ready to see my Father as a frail, elderly person.  But more on that later.

I am going back this coming weekend.   My mom's sister had MS for many years (20+) and recently passed away, so we are having a family memorial service.  It's a Big Deal.  Her sons are flying out for this (one from TX the other from MS) because the bulk of my mom's side of the family is still in the Cleveland area.   This is also the first major family event without either of my grandparents present.  My grandma's funeral was last May, and even though she was gone, the day and the weekend even, were still all about her, as it should have been.  This will be different, and because of that, it will be a different sort of sad.

I was not close with my Aunt Kathy, in part because they moved from Ohio to St. Louis when I was in college, and in part because before that, I was just a kid and she was one of many relatives and that's just the way it was.   And now she's gone, and it's not like I have remorse about not being closer (you cannot be close with everyone, there's literally not enough time for that), but I am acutely feeling the strain of the years since I have lived in New England.  Part of that is because of how it turned out, and part of that is I feel more guilty about not feeing more guilty than I actually feel guilty about being away all of this time.  The upside is that my two cousins who also moved away possibly (probably?) feel at least some of that too.  If I can get one or both of them alone on Friday or Saturday, I aim to find out.   I doubt it will lead to anything as grand as closure, but misery loves company, and all three of us love Guinnsess, so there will be that.

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