prgrmr: (lionize)
[personal profile] prgrmr
Being in the "right headspace" for writing has always been a precarious thing for me, and even more so after I have been away from it for so long.  Of course, there have been those moments when I thought "I need to lj this", but not been in anywhere near a position to take notes, let alone write.  Trying to recapture the moment well after the fact has been a repeated failure.  Which, finally, got me thinking about why that is.

I have the obvious motives for writing: things I'm doing, people I am with at the moment, things we talk about, my observations, thought, and feelings on all of that.  While much of my past lj entries have been about events, the driver to actually record my thoughts and feelings on the experiences has been the feelings.  So trying to do so after-the-fact means, for me, trying to recreate that emotion.  While I can remember how I felt at the time, not having an emotional switch to flip often means I am writing on that post-event adrenaline high, that I am writing more about how I felt than I how I actually feel.  And then writing well after the fact, days or even weeks later, means I am only, at best, conjuring meta-emotions about how I felt about how I was feeling.  The indirectness of it all is both surreal and absurd.

But I do it--we all do it--because to do otherwise is to forget the past, to not learn from the sting of our failures, to not revel on in the joys of our successes, to not take pride or joy or even notice of others’ successes or failures, or anything in-between.

However, when you have had a near-continuous string of unforeseen, unfortunate, unpleasant events in your life, you reflexively learn to channel your meta emotions away from the past and almost exclusively towards the future.  This can be an amazing motivator to get out there and live life, but it’s an absolute buzz-kill for writing.

So, I gotta relearn how to not kill my writing buzz.

January 2016

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