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Being a very independant person, I've never really had much of a "support system" the way that I've observed that some people have. Some of my friends and aquantances are literally surrounded by friends and family almost constantly. I've wondered if that sort of constant presense around me would be smothering in an emotional or mental sort of way, but I've never had--and quite frankly, never allowed--that to ever be a part of my life.
Part of me feels very empty because of that. After I got back from my trip to Ohio this summer, I had one of the most down periods I've ever had since before I moved out on my own to get away from the constant depression that my married life had become. This emptiness was driven in part simply from missing my family, but to a much larger degree it was also over-indulgence into remorse about not having stayed in Ohio and kept near my family earlier in my life. I wonder how much lingering feelings about that contributed to me quitting my job when I did?
Tonight I'm feeling that emptiness again. What little support system I have apparently isn't functioning. At least not in my direction. And that's fine, people have lives, responsibilities, obligations. I'm certainly not complaining that they are attending to that. Just that the timing of it has the forboding smell of conspiracy, which is nonsense of course, but still bothersome.
Which brings me to something else I'm not very good at: asking for help. This has, to a point, been a good thing because it has forced me to be more self-reliant, to excel at my job because I had to, to be the person with the answers. And naturally, the flip-side is not so good. I am way to reluctant to speak-up when I'm in over my head. My kids, including my teenagers, always expect that I have the right answer, always know the right thing to do, always will be there to bail them out.
My current lack-of-employment situation is going to go from relaxed to crisis in about 3 weeks. Then it's going to go from crisis to failure sometime in November. And I don't know what to do. I've never been without a job for more than a couple of weeks, and that only twice since I started working in college. I am very much out of my element. Every job I've ever taken has come to me. The only job that came close to being anything I discovered was my most recent at the hospital, and even that job had timing about that was both completely out of my control, and yet absolutely what I needed to have happen at the time.
I can't help but wonder (and worry) that I've screwed what karmatic balance I may have had by abruptly deciding to quit my job. That the timing was premature, that my decesions, no matter how well reasoned, ultimately were pride-driven and that now I get to pay the price for my hubris at my kids' expense. As you can imagine, that last bit bothers me almost to no end.
Part of me feels very empty because of that. After I got back from my trip to Ohio this summer, I had one of the most down periods I've ever had since before I moved out on my own to get away from the constant depression that my married life had become. This emptiness was driven in part simply from missing my family, but to a much larger degree it was also over-indulgence into remorse about not having stayed in Ohio and kept near my family earlier in my life. I wonder how much lingering feelings about that contributed to me quitting my job when I did?
Tonight I'm feeling that emptiness again. What little support system I have apparently isn't functioning. At least not in my direction. And that's fine, people have lives, responsibilities, obligations. I'm certainly not complaining that they are attending to that. Just that the timing of it has the forboding smell of conspiracy, which is nonsense of course, but still bothersome.
Which brings me to something else I'm not very good at: asking for help. This has, to a point, been a good thing because it has forced me to be more self-reliant, to excel at my job because I had to, to be the person with the answers. And naturally, the flip-side is not so good. I am way to reluctant to speak-up when I'm in over my head. My kids, including my teenagers, always expect that I have the right answer, always know the right thing to do, always will be there to bail them out.
My current lack-of-employment situation is going to go from relaxed to crisis in about 3 weeks. Then it's going to go from crisis to failure sometime in November. And I don't know what to do. I've never been without a job for more than a couple of weeks, and that only twice since I started working in college. I am very much out of my element. Every job I've ever taken has come to me. The only job that came close to being anything I discovered was my most recent at the hospital, and even that job had timing about that was both completely out of my control, and yet absolutely what I needed to have happen at the time.
I can't help but wonder (and worry) that I've screwed what karmatic balance I may have had by abruptly deciding to quit my job. That the timing was premature, that my decesions, no matter how well reasoned, ultimately were pride-driven and that now I get to pay the price for my hubris at my kids' expense. As you can imagine, that last bit bothers me almost to no end.
