Luck? Who need luck?

Evidently not me. I didn't set my clocks last night. I was falling asleep on the couch watching the 11pm news, and I went to bed without so much as a thought about what I had to be doing today. So here I am at work, an hour late and feeling like crap. It's probably not a good sign when you wake-up with your legs more cramped than when you went to sleep. I need to stop putting off going to the doctor about my sleep apnea, lest some morning I don't wake-up at all. All night I was waking up about every hour or so; sometimes with a startled jump, sometimes that long, slow crawl out of the depths of the black and fog. In either case, short of breathe and feeling flushed.

Part of the problem is that the place I'm living in is perpetually dusty and as a consequence I am always congested. I need to quite being such a cheap bastard and get an air filter. A good air filter, although I suspect any measure of relief will probably make a noticeable difference at this point in the game. I should also get some more nasal strips. They aren't that expensive and I sleep better when I use them--you'd think this would be so self-evident as to not require the personal reproach as motivation, yes?

I don't think of myself as old in any sense of the word, yet my body is telling me in many ways that yes, I am indeed to the point where my age is catching up with me, that my body is wearing out faster than it can repair itself, and that I need to acknowledge and take steps to deal with it. Regardless, I need to change my perspective. I need that sense of urgency about taking care of myself. I am on the downhill slide, whether I feel that way or not. Not dealing with it now may mean that I won't have the opportunity to deal with it later.

I get to feeling very self-conscious about it, and wonder if I'm being silly and overly dramatic when I look at life in the context of being around for my kids, and for my kids' kids, I hope. My youngest is 4, almost 5. She has a long way to go in this world, and I'd like to be around for it. I get this ominously dark feeling when I think about where I'll be in 25-30 years from now. I don't know why, can't really pin it down, and will ultimately be frustrated about it all if I dwell on it too much. But, it is undeniably there, despite the lack of explanation or specifics.

I hate that. I hate that I sometimes know stuff. I can't say why or how, but I know it all the same. This is were my life gets, well, creepy. From trivial stuff like knowing what song is playing on the radio before I turn it on to knowing about events in my life well before they occur. It's like watching a car accident take place where it's completely evident that neither driver is paying attention, that neither sees the other and both are irrevocably doomed to meet head-on, and there's not a thing to be done to prevent it. It's the helplessness that gets to me; the feeling that I am, at times, merely a passenger in my own life, destined and doomed to be carried by the capricious winds of fortune or directed by the fickle finger of fate or the whims of an otherwise apathetic deity. (All of which, I know, contradicts what I wrote in 50_ft_queenie's journal yesterday. Welcome to my world, watch you don't step in the cognitive dissonance.)

(no subject)

prgrmr's LiveJournal popularity rating is 2.83/10. prgrmr is more popular than 87.5% of all LiveJournal users. prgrmr is more popular than 21.9% of their mutual friends. How popular are you? LJ Popularity created by thehumangame.

Apparently the average lj'er doesn't have all that many friends. What would be interesting is a similar distribution of those who've posted in the last 5 days. I'm wondering how many essentially abandoned accounts are skewing the results.