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vicarious therapy
Sep. 21st, 2009 10:16 pmTonight was the two hour season premiere of House. It was, as usual, highly entertaining, thought provoking, and emotional. It also hit a bit too close to home. The prevailing question, both about and for House, was asked again tonight: can he get better and not loose what makes him such a good doctor? Or, to put it more succinctly, is being who he is worth being that miserable? That I have struggled with this question about myself should not be any great surprise to anyone who has known me, even for a short time.
Two weeks ago, I got to spend two days playing Robin Hood rescuing the beautiful damsel in distress, skipping out on the system, living outside the rules. I haven't felt that alive in a very, very long time. Sure, I am often happy. I spend time with my kids, I have a job that I can feel good about for what I do and because I was so clearly wanted. Occasionally I even feel accomplished on both accounts. Saturday when we were at the park, Elyssia asked if a swing was a simple machine. I all but literally jumped for joy. She'd been thinking about that all day and went on to ask me about a dozen other things. I was delighted watching my daughter learn, watching her make connections to the world around her to what she had seen in the science demonstration the night before. I was so happy for her that she was doing that, and so grateful to have been there for it. But, that was infinitely more about her than me. And it occurred to me that so much of the successes and accomplishments I counted in my life were like that. Even the moments which I would have said I felt "alive" were like that: the birth of my children, getting the job that brought me out to New England, getting the job at the hospital and turning my career around by being able to leave a horrible situation--all dependent on others and external situations beyond my control.
But two weeks ago? I was nothing except in control, because I made the choice that initiated all that followed. Now really, all I mostly did was drive my van--something I have way too much experience with--but the best parts of it were the intangible ones, starting with the choice. So the question now is how do I translate that into my "normal" life? The obvious answer is to look for those same choices with the same intangible benefits. Except that that slippery slope ends at the drop-off of being the endless do-gooder to the exclusion of having a life of my own. Superman I'm not, nor do I want to play at being one.
But those choices undeniably exist all around me. And if I'm paying attention, I'm sure a lot more of them naturally cross my path than I've previously been aware. Starting with my own children and their lives.
Two weeks ago, I got to spend two days playing Robin Hood rescuing the beautiful damsel in distress, skipping out on the system, living outside the rules. I haven't felt that alive in a very, very long time. Sure, I am often happy. I spend time with my kids, I have a job that I can feel good about for what I do and because I was so clearly wanted. Occasionally I even feel accomplished on both accounts. Saturday when we were at the park, Elyssia asked if a swing was a simple machine. I all but literally jumped for joy. She'd been thinking about that all day and went on to ask me about a dozen other things. I was delighted watching my daughter learn, watching her make connections to the world around her to what she had seen in the science demonstration the night before. I was so happy for her that she was doing that, and so grateful to have been there for it. But, that was infinitely more about her than me. And it occurred to me that so much of the successes and accomplishments I counted in my life were like that. Even the moments which I would have said I felt "alive" were like that: the birth of my children, getting the job that brought me out to New England, getting the job at the hospital and turning my career around by being able to leave a horrible situation--all dependent on others and external situations beyond my control.
But two weeks ago? I was nothing except in control, because I made the choice that initiated all that followed. Now really, all I mostly did was drive my van--something I have way too much experience with--but the best parts of it were the intangible ones, starting with the choice. So the question now is how do I translate that into my "normal" life? The obvious answer is to look for those same choices with the same intangible benefits. Except that that slippery slope ends at the drop-off of being the endless do-gooder to the exclusion of having a life of my own. Superman I'm not, nor do I want to play at being one.
But those choices undeniably exist all around me. And if I'm paying attention, I'm sure a lot more of them naturally cross my path than I've previously been aware. Starting with my own children and their lives.
